


Despair

by Honey_Honey



Series: Supernatural Fix-It Fics [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AND IT WAS CUTE OKAY, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO SO CALMLY BURY THE GAY!!!!, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Despair, LMAO, M/M, Pain!, S15E18, Sam is a Good Brother, The Empty (Supernatural), dean deserves that, dean is broken, i think i'll make a pt 2, i'm rewriting that shit, idk man they all just cry, im bringing him back tf, like and follow for part two, s(he)'s br(ok)en, season 15 episode 18 rewrite, they did their best and i'm glad it's canon, yeah so fuck whatever that episode was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Honey/pseuds/Honey_Honey
Summary: “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean struggled to breathe, breathe, breathe, as his own voice cracked, as his hands shook.The look Cas gave him- Dean couldn’t help the tears. He looked so ready to let go. Like he was at peace. “Because it is.”A rewrite of Season 15 Episode 18 because no. Just. No.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Destiel, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester
Series: Supernatural Fix-It Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022025
Comments: 10
Kudos: 177





	1. one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we won,,,,, but at what cost?

Dean couldn’t breathe.

His head was pounding as Cas spoke to him, his heart threatening to burst. Cas’ words were coming out of his mouth too fast, and it hurt Dean to listen to them. To hear Cas tell him about The Empty, see the tears in his eyes. He couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Happiness isn’t in the having… It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

Dean couldn’t process it. He couldn’t focus on anything other than the tears in Cas’ eyes (he wanted to wipe them away. He wanted to reach out and tell him, whatever it was, they’d deal with it. They always did.) “What are you talking about?” He asked, wishing more than anything that his mind would work, if only to comfort his best friend.

Cas walked closer to him, but there was still a good foot of space between them (the one time. The one time he needs to hold Cas, to comfort him somehow, the angel respects personal space). And now Cas was talking about Dean. Talking about how Dean saw himself. Calling Dean loving. Dean wanted to say something, anything, to ease Cas’ pain, to show him he was listening, that he cared. He felt rooted to the spot. His tears kept flowing. Cas kept talking.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean struggled to breathe, breathe,  _ breathe _ , as his own voice cracked, as his hands shook. He finally moved closer to Cas, reaching out to hold the angel by his shoulders.

The look Cas gave him- Dean couldn’t help the tears. He looked so ready to let go. Like he was at peace. “Because it is.”

His heart broke, his lungs on fire as he clutched at Cas’ coat, shaking his head. “No,” he pleaded, shaking harder and harder and _damn it_ _why couldn’t he get this under control? Why couldn’t he be strong for his best friend?_ “No, Cas, don’t say that. This isn’t goodbye. It _can’t_ be.”

“It is.” Cas was hugging him back now, arms around Dean, clutching at the back of his shirt as Dean cried into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Dean. I never meant for this. I’m sorry.”

Cas’ words were muffled in his ears. Dean felt like he was underground, like his hands were over his ears, as he listened to Cas’ apologies. As he felt the time run out, as Cas pushed him away gently.

“No,” Dean cried, hands cradling Cas’ face. “No, we can- we  _ have _ to fix this. We can’t lose you, Jack, Sam-  _ I _ can’t lose you Cas. I need you, more than anything, I- You can’t-” he struggled with words, his frustration only making it more difficult.

“I know.” Cas’ hands were holding onto Dean’s, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb. (Why did he seem so calm? How could he, when Dean’s whole world was slipping between his fingers?) “I know, and I’m sorry. I wish I had known earlier.” He smiled sadly, more tears spilling down his face. “I wish we had… more time.”

Dean whimpered, pressing his forehead against Cas’, begging him, “Don’t do this. Don’t do this, Cas,  _ please- _ ”

“I love you.”

Before Dean could even register what was happening Cas was pushing him away. He hit the wall, the wind knocked from his lungs. As he pushed himself up, trying desperately to breathe, he watched Cas smile at him, tears still rushing down his face. He watched as The Empty took his best friend away.

He was alone, the silence leaving him reeling as he tried to process. Then it hit him.

_ “I love you.” _

* * *

He was still in that same spot, curled against the wall, when Sam found him hours later. Dean’s knees were drawn up to his chest as he sobbed, his body still heaving long after he could no longer produce tears. His brother’s hand on his shoulder sent him into more sobs, hiccuping as he lifted his head, squinting at the lights, at Sam.

He was gone.

Cas was  _ gone _ .

“Hey,” Sam said softly, and Dean looked at him, sniffling and shaking his head. “No, I know. Dean, I- I know.”

Dean put his head down again, shoulders shaking as Sam rubbed his back, not saying anything more until Dean had calmed enough to stand.

Cas loved him.

And Cas was gone.

He leaned on Sam, hiccups continuing as they walked. Dean didn’t register anything around him. He barely realized Jack was hugging him. Barely realized he was being sat down at a table, a glass of water brought to his lips. He heard Sam talking, then Jack left, and it was just them, sitting at the table.

“Hey,” Sam said, and Dean turned to him, his face blank as he struggled to swallow, his glossy eyes staring despondently at Sam. “Jack and I… I know, we- we’re-” He heaved a sigh and shook his head. “I know.”

Dean shook his head, brows furrowed as he stared at the floor. He hesitated. Then took a shaky breath. “He told me he loved me, Sam.” He could almost feel Sam’s reaction, how he stiffened, his eyes widened, eyebrows raised. “He told me he loved me and then he pushed me out of the way and I-” Voice breaking, Dean clenched his fists, begging himself not to cry. “I didn’t say- It was too late. He was gone and I didn’t say it back. He- He  _ died _ , thinking I didn’t feel- that I didn’t love him, Sam.”

Sam didn’t say anything for a minute. Dean had half a mind to feel embarrassment creeping in around the edge of his pain. But it replayed in his head, each tear that fell down Cas’ cheeks, the words out of his mouth -  _ “I love you” _ \- and he forgot any shame and just cried. Sam rubbed his back. Dean was too busy crying to come up with some sarcastic come back about sharing their feelings. “I’m sorry,” Sam muttered.

He sat and let Dean cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just watched this episode and started writing because what the fuck!!
> 
> i am in immense pain <3
> 
> i hope you enjoyed!! i'm planning to add one more part to this, it'll be less angst i promise. Till then, leave me a comment and lemme know what you think, or check out my other destiel stuff ;)


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay here you go, smirk emoji AKJLDJKLS

It had been three days since he lost Castiel. Three full days since Dean’s world had been ripped out from under him. He’d lost all hope, his heart in two, as he desperately tried to piece together what he was supposed to do next.

He’d faced loss before, whether from death or anything else, but… he’d still had a purpose. It hurt like hell, for sure, and he’d pushed it all down to keep from breaking, but- he had something to get lost in.

With Cas…

Dean refused to do anything but grieve his best friend.  _ “I love you,” _ Cas had said. The words repeated in Dean’s mind, wrapped around his heart and squeezed, leaving him breathless and broken. He’d never gotten to say it back.

(Cas had died, having never heard Dean tell him. That’s what was breaking him most. And now it was too late.)

When Sam and Jack came running into his room in the bunker, Dean was a little shocked under the pain. They were too enthusiastic– did they forget, already, that all the world was lost? That Deans world had been torn from him before he even realized he could have it?

Sam had a book in hand, and he was speaking too fast, turning the pages so quick Dean was sure they would rip. As he continued through his explanation, his speech frenzied, Dean’s hands began to shake. He shook his head, pressure building behind his eyes as he felt a fresh wave of tears threaten to spill over.

“It’ll-” His voice gave out, and he took a moment to collect himself, just enough to get the words out. “You think it’ll work?”

Jack nodded at him, a hand on Dean’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “It will. It has to.”

_ It has to _ .

Dean shook his head and stood, hope alone pushing him out of the chair. The tears still threatened to spill, but his voice was steady as he spoke. “Then what the hell are we waiting for?”

* * *

The Empty was cold.

Dean had expected it, and he was wearing layers, but he still shivered as he walked through the door of blue flame Jack and Sam had opened. Immediately, warning bells went off in his head. He was being watched, he was being followed, they had weapons pointed at him, he was going to  _ die _ and-

He tried to block it out, unaccustomed to the special brand of pure terror The Empty instilled in him. He couldn’t see. He tried desperately to figure out what he was to do (what had Sam told him to do? Had he forgotten? Was he suddenly getting very, very claustrophobic?).

_ “I love you.” _

Dean shook his head, eyes closed as he tried to block out panic. Sam had told him… Sam had told him to go behind the door. If he walked behind the portal without dying of a heart attack or hypothermia, he’d find what he was looking for. And maybe his world could be saved. So, Dean started walking.

The door seemed longer than it was on the Earth side of it. He walked for a couple minutes (or maybe an hour. It was hard to tell time, in this endless darkness, with a fiery blue wall that cast light only unto itself as your guide to the one thing you wanted more than anything. Messed with your mind a bit). When he reached the end of the wall, when he could walk around it, Dean took a deep breath. The sharp cold shredded his lungs, and he pushed on.

And there, suspended in the air in front of him, was exactly what he was looking for, trench coat and all.

He looked like he was asleep, his eyes closed peacefully. “Cas.”

For a moment, Dean could do little more than keep from collapsing into a sobbing mess, reaching out to touch Cas’ hand. Whatever had been keeping him afloat let go, and Dean jumped to catch Cas in his arms. The cold of The Empty froze his tears as they rolled down his cheeks.

* * *

Dean gasped at the warm air as he dove through the portal, carrying a sleeping Cas bridal style. Sam and Jack looked at him in shock and they quickly got to work on closing the portal. Dean left them, striding toward his room, muttering under his breath.

“Come on, angel,” Dean whispered, laying Cas down on his bed. “Come on, please, wake up. I need you, Cas, we all need you.” He was crying again. It seemed like all he’d done for the past week was cry. “I went to get your stubborn ass. I-” He let out a sad chuckle. “We’re even, now. I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition, the whole ordeal.” He put his hands on either side of Cas’ face, shaking his head as tears kept falling. When he heard Sam and Jack come into the room, he didn’t turn around. “Castiel, please. Come back to me. I need you. More than anything, Cas, I need you.”

He was crying, eyes closed as he mourned his best friend for a second time, terrified that they had done nothing but bring back his body, that he was gone. Dean shook as he was reminded again that he never got to say it back. He never got to tell Cas that he loved him, just how much he meant to him.

He felt a hand touch his cheek. When his eyes opened, he was met with a familiar, startling blue, and his heart stopped. Dean stared.

Cas stared back. “Dean,” he whispered.

Before he could say another word, Dean was shaking his head, his face crumpling. “You stupid son of a bitch,” he said. Then, he grabbed the angel by his coat, and kissed him. Almost immediately, Cas kissed back.

He vaguely heard Sam usher Jack out of the room, but he didn’t care. He was completely focused on Cas. On making things right. On not ever letting him go, holding him tight and never letting anything come  _ close _ to him.

They pulled away, panting, foreheads pressed together, Cas’ hands still on the sides of Dean’s face, Dean still clutching his coat. Cas looked shocked, searching Dean’s eyes. “Why- What?”

Dean chuckled, and he felt close to tears again. “You dick. You can’t leave without letting me say it back,” he joked, leaning into Cas’ touch. He took a deep breath. “Cas. Castiel. I need you to know– I love you.”

Castiel looked like he was about to start crying again. And Dean was right there with him, his eyes stinging with tears. He didn’t resist as Cas pulled him back down, connecting their lips again, and murmuring “I love you” so close, he was talking into Dean’s mouth, every kiss a promise to never leave again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, i think i'm done with this lil rewrite. I will, of course, continue writing ungodly amounts of destiel, because i have no muse for anyone else right now LMAO :') please, enjoy the fics, and let me know what you think in the comments <3


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